Christmas Joke😂
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood when he asked the prisoner,
“What are you charged with?”
“I was doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offence”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened.”
#Humour
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood when he asked the prisoner,
“What are you charged with?”
“I was doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offence”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened.”
#Humour
Old Age😂
An old man went to the doctor. He had problems with a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid, it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “I can’t do anything about it.”
“That can’t be true!” replied the old man, “You just don’t know what it is”.
“How can you possibly know that I am wrong?” asked the doctor.
“Well it’s simple,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exactly same age!”
#Humour
An old man went to the doctor. He had problems with a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid, it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “I can’t do anything about it.”
“That can’t be true!” replied the old man, “You just don’t know what it is”.
“How can you possibly know that I am wrong?” asked the doctor.
“Well it’s simple,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exactly same age!”
#Humour
Rich but Stupid😂
A young couple is sitting in the park, and the boy asks:
“Could you love a stupid boy who is really rich?”
“Oh, Fernando! You are rich?!”
#Humour
A young couple is sitting in the park, and the boy asks:
“Could you love a stupid boy who is really rich?”
“Oh, Fernando! You are rich?!”
#Humour
Joke about Europe😂
The financial situation in Europe is not easy. But people in Europe still keep their humour and they are making jokes about it. This is one of them.
A Greek man, a Spanish man and a Portuguese man are sitting in a restaurant. They have a good time, they drink, they joke and they laugh with girls. It is a good party. At the end of the party someone asks a question,
“Who is going to pay for all the drinks?”
The three men say in one voice, “The Germans.”
#Humour
The financial situation in Europe is not easy. But people in Europe still keep their humour and they are making jokes about it. This is one of them.
A Greek man, a Spanish man and a Portuguese man are sitting in a restaurant. They have a good time, they drink, they joke and they laugh with girls. It is a good party. At the end of the party someone asks a question,
“Who is going to pay for all the drinks?”
The three men say in one voice, “The Germans.”
#Humour
Two Old Women Are Speaking😂
One retired woman says to another, “I couldn’t go to sleep today because of my teeth.”
The other one says, “I don’t have that problem. My teeth and I stopped sleeping together a long time ago.”
#Humour
One retired woman says to another, “I couldn’t go to sleep today because of my teeth.”
The other one says, “I don’t have that problem. My teeth and I stopped sleeping together a long time ago.”
#Humour
My Wife Can’t Hear! 😂
An old man goes to the doctor. He complains that his wife can’t hear.
“You need to test your wife. Stand far behind her and ask her a question. Then, start going closer to her. You will see how close you’ll get when she hears you.”
The old man is happy that he can help his wife. He runs home. He sees that his wife is making dinner.
“Honey!” the man says standing 20 feet away.
“What are we having for dinner?” he asks.
The wife doesn’t reply. The man tries again. He stands 15 feet away, but there is no answer. He stands 10 feet away and asks again. No answer.
Finally, he is 5 feet away, “Honey, what are we having for dinner?”
“I’ve told you four times! Lasagne!”
#Humour
An old man goes to the doctor. He complains that his wife can’t hear.
“You need to test your wife. Stand far behind her and ask her a question. Then, start going closer to her. You will see how close you’ll get when she hears you.”
The old man is happy that he can help his wife. He runs home. He sees that his wife is making dinner.
“Honey!” the man says standing 20 feet away.
“What are we having for dinner?” he asks.
The wife doesn’t reply. The man tries again. He stands 15 feet away, but there is no answer. He stands 10 feet away and asks again. No answer.
Finally, he is 5 feet away, “Honey, what are we having for dinner?”
“I’ve told you four times! Lasagne!”
#Humour
The Good and the Bad News😂
A man goes to hospital for a check-up because he has some medical problems. The doctor tells him that he doesn’t know exactly what the problem is and that they need to do more tests. After weeks of tests, the doctor tells the man that he has some good news and some bad news.
“You have a new and incurable disease,” says the doctor.
“And what’s the good news?” asks the man.
And the doctor says, “We’re going to name it after you.”
#Humour
A man goes to hospital for a check-up because he has some medical problems. The doctor tells him that he doesn’t know exactly what the problem is and that they need to do more tests. After weeks of tests, the doctor tells the man that he has some good news and some bad news.
“You have a new and incurable disease,” says the doctor.
“And what’s the good news?” asks the man.
And the doctor says, “We’re going to name it after you.”
#Humour
Alcohol Joke😂
Doctor: “I am not sure why you are not well. I think it could be the alcohol.”
Patient: “That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober.”
#Humour
Doctor: “I am not sure why you are not well. I think it could be the alcohol.”
Patient: “That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober.”
#Humour
OOPS?! 😂
Jerry was in hospital. He was recovering from his surgery. A nurse asks him how he is.
“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used during the surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
#Humour
Jerry was in hospital. He was recovering from his surgery. A nurse asks him how he is.
“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used during the surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
#Humour
Good Driver😂
A guy was driving when a policeman stopped him. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”
“No problem at all. I just saw your safe driving and I’m pleased to award you with a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations! What do you think you’ll do with this money?”
The guy thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that driver’s license.”
The lady who was sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him. He tries to be funny when he’s drunk.”
The guy from the back seat said, “I told you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, “Are we over the border (граница) yet?”
#Humour
A guy was driving when a policeman stopped him. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”
“No problem at all. I just saw your safe driving and I’m pleased to award you with a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations! What do you think you’ll do with this money?”
The guy thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that driver’s license.”
The lady who was sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him. He tries to be funny when he’s drunk.”
The guy from the back seat said, “I told you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, “Are we over the border (граница) yet?”
#Humour
Teacher😂
A teacher says, “What do you call a person who keeps talking when people are not interested?”
The students say, “A teacher!”
#Humour
A teacher says, “What do you call a person who keeps talking when people are not interested?”
The students say, “A teacher!”
#Humour
😂The Boss
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrotsection and asks the man to choose one.
The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.''
The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive.
The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
'' What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
#Humour
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrotsection and asks the man to choose one.
The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.''
The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive.
The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
'' What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
#Humour
😂Broken leg
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he setthe man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you???"
she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do withyour broken leg?!?!?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
#Humour
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he setthe man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you???"
she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do withyour broken leg?!?!?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
#Humour
😂How to lose weight
- Doctor, I'm fat, how do I lose weight?
- Just move your head from left to right and from right to left.
- How many times , doctor ?
- Every time someone offers you food.
#Humour
- Doctor, I'm fat, how do I lose weight?
- Just move your head from left to right and from right to left.
- How many times , doctor ?
- Every time someone offers you food.
#Humour
😂If my bull sees you...
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of goingaround it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
#Humour
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of goingaround it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
#Humour
😂Two old women
Two old women had been friends since their twenties. Now in their eighties, they still got together every week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards and one of them said, "You know, we’ve been friends for many years and, please don't get mad, but for the life of me, I can't remember your name. Please tell me what it is."
Her friend stared at her. She continued to glare at her for at least three minutes. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
#Humour
Two old women had been friends since their twenties. Now in their eighties, they still got together every week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards and one of them said, "You know, we’ve been friends for many years and, please don't get mad, but for the life of me, I can't remember your name. Please tell me what it is."
Her friend stared at her. She continued to glare at her for at least three minutes. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
#Humour
😂Pet owners
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the DobermanPinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, 'Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.'
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'Just follow my lead.'
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of darkglasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, 'Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.'
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'
The guy at the door says, 'A Doberman Pinscher?'
He says, 'Yes, they're using them now, they're very good.'
The guy at the door says, 'Come on in.'
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, 'What the hell,' so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, 'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'
The guy at the door says, 'A Chihuahua?'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?'
#Humour
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the DobermanPinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, 'Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.'
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'Just follow my lead.'
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of darkglasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, 'Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.'
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'
The guy at the door says, 'A Doberman Pinscher?'
He says, 'Yes, they're using them now, they're very good.'
The guy at the door says, 'Come on in.'
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, 'What the hell,' so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, 'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'
The guy at the door says, 'A Chihuahua?'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?'
#Humour
😂Football in Heaven
Two 80 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says,“Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,” Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years.
If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.”
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike.”
“Who is it?” , asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven,” replies Joe.
“I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says, “is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” says Mike, “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re in the team for this Saturday.”
#Humour
Two 80 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says,“Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,” Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years.
If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.”
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike.”
“Who is it?” , asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven,” replies Joe.
“I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says, “is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” says Mike, “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re in the team for this Saturday.”
#Humour
😂Names on the Tree
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute.
I just think it's crazy how manypeople bring knives on a date.
#Humour
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute.
I just think it's crazy how manypeople bring knives on a date.
#Humour
😂How many..?
A neurologist asks a 4-year-old boy different questions:
"How many legs has a kitty?"
"Four".
"How many ears has a kitty?"
"Two".
"How many eyes has a kitty?"
"Two".
"And how many tails has a kitty?"
"Mom, has this doofus never seen any cats?"
doofus - a stupid person
#Humour
A neurologist asks a 4-year-old boy different questions:
"How many legs has a kitty?"
"Four".
"How many ears has a kitty?"
"Two".
"How many eyes has a kitty?"
"Two".
"And how many tails has a kitty?"
"Mom, has this doofus never seen any cats?"
doofus - a stupid person
#Humour